Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I will never, not ever, eat a raw oyster, ever

The other day I was talking to my husband about his dislike for lotion. He says that the greasy residue that it leaves is like lard. This immediately reminded me of the time I was forced to eat fresh, homeade lard that my host's cat had just licked. Then I was reminded of all of the disgusting foods I have ever eaten in my life. Most of these foods were consumed while living in another country and I had no choice really, but to eat or commit the ultimate offense. I am not a very adventurous eater, I love good food, but I do not consider myself a "foodie" because I refuse to eat certain things like head cheese and sweetbreads. Oysters are on that list of things I never want to try. The reason that I am so afraid of oysters is because of a little thing called kisiel. Kisiel (pronounced: key-shell) is the Eastern European equivalent of Jell-O. The only difference is that kisiel has the consistency of sputum, yet comes in a variety of different fruity flavors. Imagine my luck to be served gooseberry flavored kisiel one day. Not only was it the color and consistency of snot, but it tasted just like it too. I don't really know how I was able to get it down, because everything in my body said that this should be going up, not down. The gag reflex was in full force as I tried to stuff more cucumber and kielbasa sandwiches down with it, but it still wouldn't go (heave!). My host, seeing my difficulty asked if I would like a drink? Please, even that hibiscus tea would help get this down!!!! But what should she bring?? no it wasn't the old stand-by, hibiscus tea. How about a nice toasty mug of warm milk to wash it down?? Nothing like a little extra mucous production to help things along. I should have hid the stuff in my warm milk, but I didn't want the woman to discover it after I had left. I wanted to feed it to the dog, but he only wanted my kielbasa. My companion was having the same trouble I was, so I couldn't give her my portion. The only choice we had was to slurp it, oyster style, in one big chug. We held our breath, tried to imagine it was a big bowl of ice cream, and down the hatch. It was a fight to the finish, but we came out victorious and lived to tell about it. I have to say that it was the most disgusting or maybe most difficult things I have ever eaten. I have eaten carp that has lived in a bathtub for a few days, then cooked and served with aspic (a close relative of kisiel). I have eaten tripe, which smells and tastes like poop. I have eaten pickled herring, fresh lard, parts of meat that are usually reserved for other uses, raw octopus, grass soup, and some pretty scary things, but none of it compares to kisiel. I imagine raw oysters to be of the same texture as kisiel, so I am never eating one, ever. I know they are a delicacy. I know they are supposedly an aphrodisiac. But I am not eating one. I know I am a wimp, a lightweight when it comes to eating, I know there are those of you out there who have eaten a plethora of more adventurous (read:disgusting/unpalatable) things that can't be touched by my measly selection. So, let's hear it...what are some of the most disgusting things you've ever eaten??

16 comments:

michelle said...

Thanks for the laugh! I needed it! I cannot compare to your adventures. Although I did once eat split pea soup while dating my husband which I later found out was appropriately referred to in the family as split sea poup.

Lindsey said...

*Shudder*
*Laugh*
*Big Shudder*

You made me laugh so hard. I think that is one of the reasons I was afraid to go on a mission--then I ended up getting married young, so I never had the chance.

I have never eaten anything so disgusting, but one of my favorite teachers in 6th grade told us about a time she went to someone's house on her mission to Taiwan. They were served sea cucumbers. I have never forgotten that story. I immediately went home to look up what a "sea cucumber" was. They basically suck slime off rocks. Yum.

Mo said...

1 comment, 1 question. Having had kiesiel and oyster, I can tell you they are nothing alike. While no fan of oysters, kiesiel is far, far more disgusting. Secondly, how do you know what snot and poop taste like????

Mo said...

I had to ask that question cause you wouldn't let me comment on Dolly...

Denise said...

Serving a mission in Japan was a fantasyland for foul. Many people eat Naato - which is rotting soybeans with the stringy, rotting goo attached. One companion ate it for breakfast every morning. I tried it once -- at the beginning of my mission and nearly threw it back up on my host. I think the comp. who ate it every morning just did so to torment me because the smell was so repulsive. I've eaten other nasties, too -- but I can't think of anything worse than naato.

naner said...

You are making me laugh so hard!!! I remember seeing the photo of the fish in the bathtub and gagging on your behalf!!!!! Mmmmm you are making liver and wheat grass juice almost sound OK. I go sooooo sick drinking a shot of Wheat Grass juice from Jamba Juice. I still get queasy just pulling in to the parking lot!!!!

naner said...

At our annual Church Thanksgiving Dinner- there is(was) the most disgusting Gravy. Not just Giblet gravy, which already gags me, but Giblet Gravy with Hard Boiled Eggs added. The "Gravy Making King" made this for years and every year it was a challenge to get him away from that task!!!! People would bring "normal" gravy, and he would "fix" it up while no one was looking. We had to guard the "normal" gravy until.....He announced he was moving!!!! Yeah-- No more giblets and hard boiled eggs in the gravy- that just isn't right! Of course, now there is nothing to complain about (at least for most people)

naner said...

Mo- you asked what I was thinking... Brave man....

Amanda said...

You are hilarious! I only know what "headcheese" is due to Stanton's experiences in Chile. So gross! I think tripe is at the top of my list of things I've tried and I hope never to taste anything more disgusting than that.

naner said...

At least the lard was FRESH...

love.boxes said...

I have eaten raw oyster. Not my favorite, but I never want to eat the K stuff, Yuck!!!

kathryn said...

I have had escargot, and was not a fan. Louisiana food was always pretty tasty. I am not a fan of the crayfish boil though (the elders would suck the heads.) I was offered squirrel one time when I was in LA. I believe the exact phrasing was 'yall want some squirrel?' I wish I had some squirrel hunters to catch the ones in my yard.

liz said...

so funny- great post!

mike loves oysters and orers them often when we eat out. I always refuse to try one and now I stand more firm in my conviction!

daniel said...

- chicken's feet (pickled)
- chicken's feet (barbequed)
- pig's ear
- kangaroo (parts unknown)
- a really foul casserole made from leftovers

Denise said...

I can't believe Daniel is mentioning that casserole in a public forum. Unbelievable! Some people just can't forgive. Let it go man...let it go...

Lisa said...

Oh! My kids LOVE kisiel. It's warm slime of the nastiest description. I'm so with you on this!